The Difference Between Ego and Healthy Self-Esteem
In this short essay I aim to detail the key differences between ego and healthy self-esteem. I think it’s important that people examine their inner workings and their relationships with others, as these are the foundation that ego and self-esteem are built on. I definitely used to have an ego problem and it caused me to inflict a tremendous amount of suffering on myself in my adolescent years. Only after many realisations and awakenings did my self-esteem and start to build and my ego deflate. More than anything I think what changed my view was a major shift in perspective.
Key Features of Ego
It’s serious – People struggling with an ego problem tend to lean towards treating life as a serious game. What I mean by this that when things don’t go their way it’s a real big deal and they get angry about it. And when things do go their way everyone else is inferior and they feel entitled to it. I’ve seen countless of examples of people waiting at red lights in their cars getting infuriated, as if the lights are deliberately acting against them. It is easy to see how mentally exhausting treating everything seriously can be and how it negatively impacts an individual’s mental health. Another consequence of treating it all seriously is you gain a sort of me versus the world mentality. This mentality is a major player in why people inflict so much unnecessary suffering on themselves without even realising it. We are all different in our own way, there will always be something that you know that others don’t and vice versa. Comparing yourself to everyone else is a dangerous game that can lead to a lot of negative feelings. It’s not you versus the world, the world isn’t out to get you, and it’s you versus you.
It’s insecure – Insecurity is one of the biggest features of an ego problem and can cripple people who aren’t awake and aware that they are not their thoughts. Insecurity is the occasional thought of “you’re not good enough” or “look how much better they are than you”. People are so inexplicably more complicated than either of those two thoughts. Insecurity seeks out the flaws in you and others rather than the strengths, the bad rather than the good. Common behaviour of people with an insecure ego is the need for constant validation and projection of their thoughts and feelings onto others. A person constantly not feeling worthy are normally telling others that they are not worthy, and someone who has a lot of fundamental flaws in their character are normally constantly pointing out the flaws and failures of others. Insecurity is oriented at others rather than at the self.
It’s loud – The ego being loud can be interpreted in a couple of ways. Firstly it can be said that the loud ego represents the constant need to be correct. I often notice times you are having a conversation with someone and they become louder and are unwilling to listen. Just because people say a lot and it is heard more than someone else does not mean that they are right. This is a forceful way to shut down people and negatively affects your social ties as you become unbearable to be around. The second case in which the ego can be loud is the need for constant attention. You should note that there is a difference between being extroverted and needing attention, as extroverted people are high energy and feed off of socialising, which is quite positive. Where as loud attention seeking people feel negative when they don’t get attention, and this usually manifests in anti-social behaviour to get attention.
People with an ego problem are usually unaware that they are behaving as such and I think the reason for this is they are living a largely unexamined life. So it’s important that you as an individual examine your life and relationships with your friends, family and colleagues to ensure that you’re not acting out of a negative space, rather a positive one.
Key Features of Healthy Self-Esteem
It’s humble – The smartest people in the world understand that they may know a lot, but there is always something to learn from every person they encounter. If you go into your social world with this mindset you approach people with humility and are always seeking personal growth. Self-esteem is being grateful for what you already have, and being appreciative of the skills you have been lucky enough to acquire. Taking this approach has benefitted me as I temperamentally have a temper and low patience for people. Since changing my perspective I now treat people a lot more like I would like to be treated, and am generally a lot more friendly and less arrogant. Be selfish in this aspect of wanting to learn off of everyone you meet and you will be surprised where it takes you. Humility also encompasses admitting when you’re wrong when it’s pointed out to you. Don’t take this as a dig at your character; use it as an opportunity to learn. Every great mind and person will tell you that your mistakes teach you more about yourself than any of your successes.
It’s sincere – Opposing the idea that people with an ego take life very seriously; a person with healthy self-esteem is sincere. Another way of putting it is that they pursue the truth and value it over all else. The benefits of being sincere and telling the truth is people know who you really are and will like you for you. This is important because you will know that your friends like you for who you are, not someone you’re pretending to be. Sincerity is an important aspect in a loving relationship. A man with an ego will say to his partner “I want you to love me” because it’s serious, so there would be a real problem if they don’t because they aren’t getting what they want. The sincere man with healthy self-esteem says, “I want you to be happy, and I want to be happy with you”. Real love does not need a condition, because if that condition were no longer true then the love would fail. Love is unconditional and sincere, and being sincere in all aspects of your life makes you trustworthy and loving. In my relationship I highlight that the truth is more important than all else, and I’m not perfect but striving for truth and sincerity seems to make me a better person holistically.
It’s lovingly self-oriented – A certain amount of selfishness is required to be happy, if you are only living to please other people then you’re not really living. Being self-oriented does not necessarily mean you are being selfish though. Loving self-orientation is taking responsibility for all that goes on in your life and gives you a tremendous amount of power. Understand your strengths but more importantly understand your weaknesses and improve on them. Examine what you’re thinking and feeling and keep your emotions in check, otherwise people will use them against you. Understand that you have worth merely because you are you and no one else can be, you have something unique to offer the world. Becoming self-oriented also removes you from comparing yourself to other people and focusing on personal growth. If you are feeling down or anxious, treat yourself like you would a friend who is feeling the same way. It is so important we treat ourselves with as much if not more love than we treat our friends.
Healthy self-esteem is knowing who you are as a person, and knowing what path you are on. You don’t know where you will end up, but if you did life wouldn’t be worth living. It’s a constant process of personal development and experience. Be yourself and love yourself, you will shine a light that sparks the same in everyone around you.
From the ashes, you will rise.
Liam